


It Is What It Is

by Rachel Wilder (rwilder)



Category: Nashville (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3488102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwilder/pseuds/Rachel%20Wilder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deacon deals with the ramifications of the accident and the impact on the lives of all the people he cares about - an alternative version of season 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to KarenES for her excellent beta.

"Claybourne," the guard's voice called out as the door slid open in front of Deacon's cell. The guard walked up and stood there as Deacon sat up from the bed in the corner of the small cell. "C'mon, get your stuff."

Deacon looked over at the book he'd been reading, the toothbrush sitting on the edge of the sink and stood up. "I'm good," he responded, as he cradled his left arm against his body.

The guard stepped back and waited as Deacon walked out of the cell.

"What's going on?" Deacon asked.

"Hell if I know," the guard replied. "But it looks like someone finally bailed your sorry ass out of here."

* * *

 

Deacon pulled the cotton T-shirt over his bandaged hand, then gingerly pulled it over his head. His broken ribs ached with the pain he didn't think would be going away anytime soon. He tried to tie the string holding the waist of the cotton pants they'd given him, but without a functional left hand, it didn't do him much good. Hopefully they'd stay up long enough to get him wherever he was going.

When she'd come in yesterday, Scarlett said she was trying to get bail together-Deacon didn't want to think what she might have had to do to raise that kind of money. Not that he wanted her to do it-right now there was one place he deserved to be and it was in that cell.

He followed the guard down the hall into the reception area. They had him sign his name and then sent him out the door. He hadn't even worried there might be press outside until he heard them shouting his name-he squinted against the sun, not sure which way to turn, until he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.

"C'mon, Deacon-she's waiting in the car for you."

He looked up to see Bo, Juliette's bodyguard standing next to him. Juliette. Of course. He nodded and followed Bo down to the car waiting at the curb.

* * *

 

The door closed behind him and Bo quickly slid into the driver's seat and pulled them away from the clutch of paparazzi. Where they just sitting out there in case he'd be released or had someone given them a tip? He started to ask Juliette, then just sighed.

"You didn't have to do that," he said after they'd ridden in silence for a few minutes.

She shook her head. "Yeah, I'd like to say I did it for you, but that's not the truth."

Deacon sighed and laid his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes.

"You know, my mama, she fell off the wagon a lot when I was growing up. There were lots of times I needed to have her around, looking after me," Juliette said. "Like when I was 13 and my other parent was gone-I needed her then."

Deacon half opened his left eye, fixing it on her. "What are you talkin' about Juliette."

"Thirteen. It's a hard age-hard for a girl to not have her parents bein' adults and…"

"What the hell are you talkin' about, Juliette? You don't…"

Juliette turned to Deacon, fixing her stare on him. "I was at the hospital with Maddie. I saw Rayna. She told me what happened."

"Rayna's awake?" Deacon sat upright.

Juliette shook her head. "No, Maddie told me-Maddie told me what you found out, that she's your daughter."

"I'm nobody's father," Deacon spat out.

"The hell you aren't," Juliette responded. "You have a responsibility to a little girl who I know you care about, who thinks that she started all of this, who doesn't understand yet how demons can haunt a person and turn them into someone they'd never even recognize. I know you're hurt and you're suffering and Rayna screwed you over and lied to you, but that little girl, she thinks this is all her fault and that's just bullshit, Deacon Claybourne."

"Let me out," Deacon said quietly. "This is not your problem, Juliette."

"No," Juliette replied. Bo had pulled over and put the car into park. "I'm not letting you disappear down into this dark hole again, Deacon. So, here's what we're gonna do-you're going into that hospital and seeing a doctor about your hand and getting whatever surgery you need to fix it up so that you can keep playing music. Then you're gonna go get yourself cleaned up again. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, once you can be a decent person, you're going to make sure that Maddie understands that none of this was her fault."

Deacon raised his right hand up to his mouth. He thought he might be sick, right there in the car. He had been thinking of everything else-of the lie, of the betrayal, of Rayna's broken body when he pulled her from the truck, of his hand, his broken dreams, the loss of his fragile hold on sobriety.

He'd never thought about Maddie and what this must be doing to her.

"I'm not a father," he said again. "I don't deserve to be anybody's father."

"I don't believe that," Juliette replied. "I think you're a sorry S-O-B who has a lot of faults, but you're not the only person in the world who struggles, Deacon. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some responsibility. Sure, we'd all like things to be different, but you know what? It is what it is."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks, again, to KarenES for the beta and to Beth Pryor for once again teaching me about all things medical.

 

Deacon sat on the exam table staring at the wall. The nurse had said a doctor would be in shortly, but that had been almost 45 minutes ago. Juliette had wanted to wait with him, but he just couldn't deal with anyone right now.

He could have done with a shower, though. He looked down, the blood still caked on his right hand, his left wrapped in a makeshift bandage. It felt like the accident was a hundred years ago, but it had been…it had been maybe 48 hours.

Thirteen years of sobriety. Thirteen years of Rayna keeping the truth from him. It didn't even take thirteen hours for him to throw it all away. It was the unluckiest of numbers.

The accident was a blur. A blur of words, and then the world tumbling around them and then the silence of Rayna not saying anything. He knew he'd pulled her out of the truck, but then as soon as the police and ambulance had pulled up, he just hadn't been able to say anything.

It wasn't a conscious decision to say that he was driving. Everyone just assumed it and next thing he knew, he was in that cell, waiting.

It didn't matter that he hadn't been behind the wheel, he'd caused all of this to happen.

He looked up as the curtain was pulled open and a tall man in a white shirt and tie walked in.

"Mr. Claybourne?" he asked as he approached Deacon, holding out his hand.

Deacon nodded and reached out to shake the doctor's hand.

"I'm Joe Bush, the orthopedic surgeon. Miss Barnes had them call me in. Can I take a look and see what we're dealing with here?" the doctor asked.

Deacon nodded again, words failing him. He held out the injured hand as the doctor pulled up a stool and began to unwrap the dressing.

"You injured this two days ago?" the doctor asked as he pulled away the last of the dressing, exposing the torn skin on Deacon's hand.

"Uh, yeah," Deacon replied.

"And you're only coming in now?"

"Yeah," Deacon responded. He didn't have the energy to explain it all over again, plus if this guy watched the news, he knew what had happened and what had detained Deacon from seeking medical attention.

The doctor held Deacon's hand, palpating the injured areas. "We need to get a set of films on this, but it looks like you've got a pretty major wound here. We're probably looking at a tendon injury, maybe some nerve damage. Your friend says you're a musician, right?"

Deacon nodded again.

"Well, you're lucky you have such good friends-cause I might be the only doctor who can save this hand."

* * *

Deacon slowly opened his eyes, a haze washing over him. It took him a minute to realize that he was now in a hospital bed. He looked over to see Scarlett asleep in the chair next to him. He looked down: His hand was wrapped now in a new thick, clean dressing.

After the exam and x-rays, Dr. Bush had said they'd have to get him into surgery and see what they could do. His guess had been pretty accurate. He'd said there was definitely a torn tendon and they'd know more about the nerves once they got in there.

Deacon tried to straighten up in bed, groaning as the broken ribs moved, sending shooting pain down his side. He looked over to see the IV pump next to his bed.

He had warned the doctor about his addiction issues the first day in the hospital.

_"I understand, Deacon," Dr. Bush had said as he stood next to Deacon in the exam room. "But this is going to hurt and we need to manage that pain. Right after surgery, I'm going to need to have you on a PCA-a pain pump, but we're going to work with you and make sure that we manage your pain without exacerbating your other issues. I need you to get better and in the short-term, that's going to require us to give you something for this pain."_

_"I don't do very well with morphine," Deacon responded. "And I'm way too fond of Oxycontin."_

_"We've had some good luck with IV Tylenol alternating with IV Toradol. Neither are opiates. We could try that and see if it helps you enough and if it doesn't, then we can talk about trying something else."_

He watched the clock tick down on the pump and felt the medication wash into his system. Then before Scarlett even knew he'd been awake, he fell back into a deep sleep.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to KarenES for giving this a read and Beth Pryor for making sure I don't make any major medical errors.

 

* * *

The second time he woke up, Scarlett was gone, but Juliette had taken his place in the chair next to his bed. And she wasn't asleep.

"How you feelin'?" she asked.

"Like shit," Deacon responded. He didn't have the energy for niceties. "How's Rayna?"

Juliette stood up and crossed over to his bed. "They've got her in a drug-induced coma. Something about giving her brain time to rest and heal."

Deacon nodded, wordlessly. He wanted to ask more, but he wasn't sure it was his place.

"Maddie?" he asked.

"She's been here, sitting with her mama," Juliette replied. "She knows you're here too."

Deacon looked down at his hand and sighed. "I don't think...I don't think I can see her."

Juliette took his uninjured hand in hers. "I get that. You're gonna have to talk to her eventually, you know, but you don't have to do it now. The surgeon said it looked pretty good in there-he had to do a lot of repair, but he didn't think there was any nerve damage."

Deacon closed his eyes. He had destroyed more than his hand. And it was going to take a hell of alot more than Juliette's surgeon to fix that.

"You know she's blames herself," Juliette said, quietly.

Deacon looked over at her. "What?"

"Maddie. She thinks that all of this is her fault because she went looking for the truth and then all of this happened-you drinking, the accident. She blames herself."

"That's just crazy," Deacon replied.

"Crazy or not, that's what she's thinking the truth is," Juliette replied.

They both looked up at the sound of a knock on the door. It was Joe Bush, the surgeon.

"How are you feeling, Deacon?" he asked as he crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Not too bad," Deacon responded. "Pain isn't too bad."

"Good, just remember to tell us if it gets too bad. When we get you down to therapy, we're going to want to make sure that you're using adequate pain management to be able to participate to the fullest extent."

He laid a small splint down on the bed. "I'm going to take that bandage off, check the sutures and then we'll put this splint on. It's going to allow you some movement in the wrist, but will protect the tendon area where we did the repair. It will also keep your wrist and fingers bent slightly to keep the stress off the repair. We're going to have you do a session of physical therapy today and then be ready to discharge you this afternoon. PT sessions will be scheduled for you every day for at least the next two week."

"What's the timeline on this gettin' better?" Juliette asked.

The doctor looked up from Deacon's hand, where he was removing the bandage. "We're looking at about two months with the splint and therapy, then maybe another month until you can use the hand with any force. It's going to depend on you, Deacon. Using the splint and doing your exercises are the greatest predictors of a successful outcome."

"And what are the chances of that," Juliette asked. "Will he be able to play guitar again?"

Dr. Bush pulled the last strap around the splint and stood up. "I can't make a definite prediction. We've been improving our results all the time, with improved surgical and therapeutic techniques, but these injuries can be very challenging to treat. It's possible that you may end up with stiffness after the injury heals and it's also possible that we may have to go in and do a second surgery to remove scar tissue if that becomes a concern.

"But, I don't want you to focus on that-I want you to focus on spending time listening to the therapist, doing the exercises that they give you and letting that hand heal. Can you do that for me, Deacon?"

Deacon nodded, looking down at his hand, now encased in a white plastic splint. "Thanks, Doc."

The doctor gave Deacon a pat on the shoulder, shook Juliette's hand and turned to leave. "Hey, I'm still building my reputation-so believe me, saving the hand of one of Nashville's greatest guitar players is definitely on my priority list. Take care of yourself, Deacon and I'll see you next week."

"I'm going to call Scarlett quick and let her know you're coming home today," Juliette said as she pulled her phone out of her purse. "I think she's planning to stay with you for a while."

"She doesn't have to do that," Deacon said quietly.

"Actually, she kind of does," Juliette replied. "You have one good hand, you can't drive and well...she and Gunnar hit a bump, so I think she's looking for a reason to get out of Dodge for a while."

"You seem to know a lot about me and my family these days," Deacon said, a small smile threatening to cross his face.

Juliette looked up from her phone. "I know-definitely time to get myself focused back on me. So, get your shit figured out, Claybourne."

Deacon smiled for real this time. He was almost starting to feel human again. Maybe that was Juliette giving him grief again. Maybe it was the relief that maybe he hadn't ruined his hand or that he was getting out of here…

He looked up as there was another quiet knock at the door. It was Maddie.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Deacon had heard about that phenomena of your life flashing in front of your face. Maybe it had happened when he and Rayna were in the truck, when it was rolling and he was too drunk to remember, but as he sat on the edge of his hospital bed facing Maddie...facing his daughter, he felt like his whole life just played like a movie right in front of his eyes. He fingered the edge of his hospital gown, pulling the robe that Juliette had brought him closed.

Except, it wasn't his whole life-it was just those parts where he knew there had been another path that he could have taken, a path that would have brought him to a completely different place than where he sat right now.

"Hey," he said, quietly, not sure what else to say.

Maddie didn't move from the edge of the door. Deacon gestured to the chair next to his bed.

"You want to come in?" he asked.

Juliette picked her purse up from the table next to Deacon's bed and put it over her shoulder. "I'm gonna go out and make that call and then I'll check back in to see if you're ready to go. There's clothes in the bag I left you over there." She pointed to the small duffle bag, then stopped to give Maddie a quick hug and walked out the door.

"Are you leaving?" Maddie asked, her voice small and quiet.

Deacon nodded. "Uh, yeah. They're letting me go home today."

He wanted to ask about Rayna, but he also didn't want to put Maddie in that place of being the go-between. But if he didn't ask about Rayna, he wasn't sure what to say.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, taking a step into the room. She paused halfway between the door and the chair.

Deacon nodded again. "Yeah, it hurts, but the doc thinks it will probably get better." He looked down at his hand, covered in the splint and then after a moment looked back up at her, a tear escaping his eye before he could reach up to wipe it away. "I'm really sorry about what happened-I'd never...I'd never try to hurt your mom. Or you."

"But you were drunk?" Maddie asked.

Deacon sighed, then nodded. "I was. I...I reacted poorly and I had a drink."

"You reacted? You mean, cause of what I asked you? What I found?" Maddie asked, her voice breaking.

Deacon stood up and held out his hand. Maddie paused and then took it as he guided her over to the chair to sit down. With his good hand he pulled the chair across from the bed and then sat down where he had started, this time facing her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't say that quite right," Deacon replied. "It wasn't about what you told me. Here's the thing-when I drink, when I choose to drink, it isn't about what anybody else does to me or says to me. When I drink, it's because I make the decision to break a vow that I've made to myself, my sponsor, my friends, the people I love-so no, that isn't your fault. That's on me, darlin'."

"But why?" Maddie asked, a sob catching in her throat. "I heard my parents fight about it once, but you've never done that, never been drinking, not in my whole life."

Deacon reached over and took her hand in his. "You're absolutely right, Maddie. I had never taken a drink in your whole life; as long as you've been around is pretty much the whole time I'd been sober."

"Can you stop?" she asked, looking up at him, her eyes also filling with tears.

"I pray to God. I hope so," Deacon replied, unable to stop the tears himself. He reached over and took a couple tissues from the box on the table, handing one to Maddie and then wiping his eyes with the other one. "You think you can give me another chance?"

Maddie nodded. "Does that help?" she asked.

"People like you believin' in someone like me is the only reason I've gotten this far, as it is," Deacon answered. "I still gotta do it for myself, but yes, you believin' in me makes a difference."

He looked up to see Juliette standing outside the door.

"You here with someone?" he asked.

Maddie nodded. "My aunt Tandy brought Daphne and I up here. Daphne wanted to sing to Mom for a little bit, but I told them I had to get something to drink first."

"Well, you better get back down there before they worry that you lost your way," Deacon replied.

"You gonna come see my mom before you go?" Maddie asked quietly.

Deacon didn't respond for a moment, not trusting his voice.

"You should go see her," Maddie responded. "I know she'd wonder where you were if you didn't."

Deacon nodded. "I'll see what I can do. You go find your aunt and Daphne, now. And you tell your Momma I'm...just tell her that I'm here."


	5. Chapter 5

 

Deacon buttoned the last button on his shirt and stood up from the hospital bed, holding his injured limb close to his body. It helped with the pain to keep it elevated.

"You should use that sling they gave you," Juliette said, gesturing to the dark piece of cloth on the bedside table. "Let me help you?"

Deacon didn't protest as she helped him slip it over his head and put his hand into the sling.

"You're gettin' better at that," she commented.

"At puttin' a sling on?" he asked.

Juliette shook her head. "Nah, takin' help from someone. Might become a nasty habit if you don't watch out," she teased. "Now, let's get the boots on."

She kneeled down on the floor and helped Deacon guide his right foot into his cowboy boot, pulling it up over his heel and then his jeans back down over it. As she moved over to do the same with his left, Deacon sighed.

"I'm thinking I better send Scarlett out to get me some of those slip-on boat shoes, or I'm gonna be sittin' around waiting for her to put my shoes on and off every morning and again at night."

Juliette leaned back on her heels. "Nah, maybe we just get you some of those ankle boots with the zippers instead. No need to go completely out of fashion."

Deacon stood up and reached over for the now empty duffel bag Juliette had brought over that morning. He opened the drawer and quickly emptied out the few things he'd had at the hospital during his stay. He slid his wallet into his back pocket and looked at his phone for a moment before sliding it into his front pocket.

"So…" Juliette started.

"Yeah?" Deacon asked as he looked sideways over at her standing by the door.

"You just want me to take you home, or do you want to find a meeting, or anything else?" she asked.

Deacon picked up the filled duffel bag with his good hand and stood quiet for a moment. "I think I'd like to go to a meeting, if that's okay. And, uh...I think I'd like to meet you downstairs in about fifteen minutes if that's okay, too."

Juliette nodded. "Of course. And she's in room 1061."

* * *

Deacon felt a sort of cold calm wash over him as he rode the elevator to the tenth floor. He got off and followed the signs to the trauma ICU. He knew that he didn't belong there, yet he also knew that leaving the hospital without seeing her was the wrong thing to do.

He wondered who else might be there, if the girls were still visiting with Tandy. What would he say to them? What if Teddy was there? Or Lamar?

He paused in the hallway, remembering the last time he'd seen Rayna in a hospital. He'd come to find her the night of her dad's heart attack and bypass surgery. He had known that coming to find her was the right thing that night, had felt that she needed him. This time he had a feeling that he needed to come, but he couldn't tell if it was because she needed him or he needed her.

He walked slowly toward her room, pausing again outside. A nurse came up to him.

"It's just family, sir," she said, her hand on his arm.

"It's fine," a woman's voice answered behind them.

Deacon turned to find Tandy standing there, a cup of coffee in her hand. She walked toward the door to Rayna's room, then stopped and turned back toward him.

"Come in for a minute, Deacon."

He followed her into the room. The curtain was pulled, protecting Rayna from being on view to the hallway. He followed Tandy around the fabric, then stopped, unable to move any further as he saw her there on the bed.

She was unconscious, a tube in her throat. There were IVs and wires and a monitor with a steady beep indicating her heart rate.

"Is she? Will she wake up?" Deacon finally said.

Tandy looked over at him from the chair where she sat next to Rayna's bed, holding her hand. "They are keeping her asleep while her brain heals. She hit the window and it caused her brain to bleed."

"And the tube?" Deacon gestured toward the breathing tube in her mouth.

"They have her on the ventilator while the medication is keeping her unconscious," Tandy explained. "She was breathing when she got to the hospital."

"Good," Deacon replied.

Tandy looked over at him and shook her head. "Deacon, I don't know what the hell my sister sees in you and I have no idea what happened that got us here, but I know that she has always loved you, even when she probably shouldn't have. And I know this was an accident-that she was driving. But I swear to God, if she dies…"

"No, I get it," Deacon responded. "I should…" He gestured toward the door.

Tandy stood up. "You have a minute, but then you probably should go. Daddy usually comes about fifteen minutes from now and I don't think you want to meet him up here."

As she walked past him to the door, Deacon reached out to touch her arm. "Thanks, Tandy."

She stopped and turned back to him. "I sure didn't do it for you, Deacon. Maddie said you might come down here; that I should let you come see Rayna. I don't know why she was so insistent, but she seems to think that it's what Rayna would want."

After she left, Deacon walked over and sat down in the chair Tandy had previously been using. He reached over and ran his fingers over Rayna's hand. She was warm; felt alive.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Deacon said, quietly, as he lifted his hand up to touch her cheek. "I know we need to figure stuff out, but Ray, I need you to come back so we can have that conversation. Please don't leave it this way."

He stood up and leaned over, kissing her on her cheek, feeling the warmth of her skin and watching her chest rise rhythmically with the mechanical breath going in and out of her body.

She had to come out of this.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thanks to everyone who is still reading and especially for the reviews. I love hearing what you think. As always, thanks to Beth Pryor and KarenES for helping me make the story be the best it can._

* * *

Scarlett pulled the her Volvo station wagon up in front of Deacon's house and turned off the engine.

"Thanks for picking me up," Deacon said as they sat there. "And...well, thanks."

Scarlett looked over at him and smiled. "I'm glad you're home and thanks for lettin' me stay here with you a bit."

Deacon looked down at his hand in the splint and then over at Scarlett. "Looks like we're both gonna need to be helping each other out."

They got out of the car, Scarlett pulling Deacon's bag from the back and headed toward the house. As they got to the porch, Deacon stopped.

"I'm really sorry about what happened the last time we were here," he started. "I know it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to you right now, but I will tell you more, it's just right now…" Deacon's voice trailed off.

Scarlett put her hand on Deacon's arm. "You tell me when you're ready. Cause I'm here to listen. I won't push you, unless I think you need it."

"Thanks, Scarlett."

* * *

Deacon woke up in his bed to find the daylight gone. He brushed his hand across his face and looked over at the clock. It was nearly 8 P.M. He had slept for almost six hours. Part of him thought he should just go to sleep for the night, but his stomach had rumbled and his hand ached. He needed to get something to eat and take another of the pain relievers the hospital had sent home with him. It didn't take all of the pain away, but so far he had been able to manage with the drugs that Joe Bush had recommended and stay away from the opiates.

There was a knock at his bedroom door.

"C'mon in," he said, his voice still thick with sleep.

"Thought you might like a little soup," Scarlett said as she walked through the doorway carrying a tray. "Got your pills here, too."

"Thanks," Deacon said as he sat up in bed. "Although, I'm not an invalid. I could come out there and eat, too."

"You should rest now," Scarlett said. "You're gonna be back at the hospital tomorrow for therapy. They've got the intake appointment set for 9 A.M."

Deacon ate a spoonful of the soup. "Thanks-this is good."

"There was one other thing," Scarlett said. "Maddie Conrad called earlier when you were still asleep. She wanted you to call her."

Deacon set the soup spoon down next to the bowl. "Did she...did she say what it was about?"

Scarlett pulled Deacon's phone from her pocket and put it on his bedside table. "No, just to call her when you could."

Deacon's eyes strayed over to the phone on the table next to him. After a moment he looked back up at Scarlett. "Thanks. Uh, can I just have a couple of minutes…"

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Scarlett apologized. "Just let me know when you need me to come get the tray."

Deacon watched Scarlett close the bedroom door, then picked up his phone. He'd have to tell her about Maddie before too long, but first he'd better return this call.

He pushed the power button and then navigated to the recent call list. He paused over the number-it wasn't Rayna's home number, so must be Maddie's cell. He hit the info button and then the next to add the number as a contact. He typed her name in-it all made it feel more real.

Deacon took a deep breath and pressed the call button. The phone rang once, twice, three…

"Hello?" It was a quiet, young voice.

"Maddie? It's Deacon."

There was a quiet pause-he could hear her on the other end of the phone, though. Seemed like neither one really knew how to talk to the other.

"Maddie?" he asked again.

There was a quiet sob, then her small voice again. "She woke up, Deacon. I just...I just wanted to make sure you knew."

He drew his breath in, wanting to ask her everything, but afraid of what she might say. "Is she...how is she?"

"She's...she's asking for you," Maddie replied. "Will you come?"

"Maddie…" he started.

"Please, Deacon-can you please just come?" she asked again.

Deacon closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

He ended the call and set the phone back down on the bedside table. He sat for a moment until there was a quiet knock on the door.

"Can I come in?" Scarlett asked from the other side of the door.

He told her to come in and directed her to sit down in the chair near his bed.

"Rayna's awake," he started. "Maddie said she's asking for me."

"Oh," Scarlett responded. "You want me to take you down there?"

Deacon started to nod, then choked as a sob began to escape. Scarlett got up and came over to sit next to him on the bed.

"Deacon," she started. "She's awake-it's going to be okay."

He nodded again as the tears continued to flow down his face. "I don't know why she'd do that, why she'd want to see me."

"Do you want to tell me?" Scarlett asked quietly. "Cause, I'm here-and I love you, Deacon. You can tell me, no matter what it is."

Why was Rayna asking for him? And what would it all mean between them? Would his action that almost destroyed them physically be an even payment for what Rayna had done? Could he...would he forgive her.

"I'm gonna tell you, Scarlett. Honest. I'm gonna, but now I think we've gotta get down there and see...I gotta see Rayna for myself and make sure she's really okay."


	7. Chapter 7

 

Deacon walked off the elevator on the 10th floor of the hospital and looked down the hall, not sure what he might find. He looked to the left and saw Teddy sitting in the waiting room with Daphne and Maddie. He looked grim. Deacon paused, then turned right and headed toward Rayna's room. As he walked up to the door, Tandy came out.

"Thanks for coming, Deacon," she said, her voice strained.

"Yeah, of course, I mean, Maddie said she was askin' for me and Maddie sounded-she sounded funny on the phone," Deacon replied. "I didn't-I guess I thought I'd be the last person she'd be askin' for when she woke up."

Tandy sighed and brushed her hair back with her hand. She looked more tired than Deacon could ever remember seeing her.

"She's asking for you-only you. It's almost like she thinks you're still together," Tandy explained.

Deacon shook his head. "What do you mean? You mean she doesn't remember the accident? The CMAs? About Maddie?"

Tandy shook her head. "No, I don't think she remembers any of them. Teddy. The girls. She was very upset and confused when they came in earlier. Deacon, Rayna just kept asking for you."

Deacon backed up against the wall in the hallway and dropped down into a crouch. He hadn't been able to say out loud how afraid he was that Rayna wouldn't wake up, but after he got Maddie's call, he had been so relieved. He'd never expected this.

"Deacon, can you go in there?" Tandy asked, interrupting his thoughts. "She's pretty agitated and she wants you."

"Yeah," Deacon replied, as he stood back up. "But what are they saying? Is it? Will she be like this?"

Tandy shrugged. "They don't know. It could be the head injury, it could be the trauma of everything y'all went through before the accident, it could be a fluke. They don't know, Deacon."

Tandy followed him as they walked the rest of the way down to Rayna's room. They paused outside the door.

"Just try to keep her as calm as you can," Tandy instructed. "They don't want her getting too agitated and they don't want her talking. They took the tube out of her throat, but we have to be careful-it could hurt her voice if she doesn't take it easy and let her throat recover from the trauma of the intubation."

Deacon nodded that he understood, then pulled the door open with his good hand and walked into the room.

She looked like she had the day before, except that awful tube was gone from her mouth. Her eyes were closed and she seemed peaceful. He crossed over, sat down in the chair next to her bed and took her hand in his uninjured right hand. He rubbed his thumb gently over the soft skin on her hand and her eyes opened up.

"Don't talk, darlin'," he told her. "The doctors want you to be really careful and take care of your throat and voice."

"Where were you?" she asked.

He reached his hand up and smoothed her hair back. "I'm right here now, Ray. Now get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow."

She nodded and closed her eyes again, her breathing quickly growing even.

Deacon looked up as Tandy walked back into the room.

"She's already more calm," Tandy observed. "Can you...will you stay?"

"Of course," Deacon replied. "But what about the girls? And Teddy?"

"I'm going to send them home," Tandy explained. "The doctor said we should talk tomorrow and I don't know, maybe they'll have some more answers for us? But for now, I just need to make sure that Rayna is okay."

Deacon looked down at his hand folded in Rayna's. "I'm not goin' anywhere."

* * *

Deacon stood in the corner behind the chairs where Teddy, Tandy and Lamar sat in front of the doctor's desk.

"It may be a retrograde amnesia," the doctor explained. "It's pretty rare and I think we can hope for the best that it's related to the trauma of the accident and will resolve itself pretty quickly."

"And if it doesn't?" Lamar asked. "What do we do then?"

"Rayna will need some therapy to recover from her injuries. We'll get her started on physical therapy to deal with the trauma from the accident and from the time she was in a coma. We'll also begin with occupational therapy that will work with her memory issues."

"Are you saying she'll never remember our daughters?" Teddy asked. "Nothing about our life together?"

The doctor looked down at Rayna's records and back up at the anxious faces across from him. "I'm very sorry, Mr. Conrad, but it's as I said-the brain is a mysterious thing. It can confound and amaze us all at the same time. Your wife, Ms. Jaymes, she will know her children, but whether or not she's able to regain those memories of their childhood is still just something we don't know."

Deacon cleared his throat. "Uh...so, what...what can we do to help Rayna?"

"We need to be supportive, Mr. Claybourne. No matter what else is going on with all of you, right now you need to meet Rayna where she's at, not confuse her and agitate her. For now, I'm going to recommend that we limit her visitors to those who she does remember-her father, her sister and you, Mr. Claybourne. There will be time for her to learn more about her life, about the children, but for right now we're just going to try to limit the stimulus that will challenge her brain and create anxiety for her."

"So what do we tell my daughters?" Teddy asked. "They want to see their mother."

"And they will, Mr. Conrad. We just need to give it a day or two. I'm going to suggest that we bring one of our Child Life specialists up here to talk with the girls and try to explain to them what is happening. I think that it's important for them to understand what's going on with their mother, but we also need to make sure that we aren't unduly frightening them."

Lamar slammed down his hand on the desk. "Just figure out what the hell you people need to do to help my daughter. No matter the cost."

"Daddy!" Tandy called out as she put her hand on her father's arm.

Deacon shook his head, then turned and headed out of the office. He'd heard enough of the medical stuff-what he needed was to see Rayna. That would tell him more about what she may or may not be able to do.

* * *

"Deacon?"

Deacon turned from where he had been waiting outside Rayna's room to find Maddie standing there.

"Did they tell you what's wrong with Mom?" Maddie asked. "Last night-last night she didn't know who we were."

Deacon pulled Maddie toward him, into his arms. "I know it's scary, honey, but your mom is tough. She's gonna be okay." He ran his hand over her hair as she continued to cling to him.

"Honey?"

Deacon looked up from Maddie to find Teddy standing there. He loosened his embrace and Maddie turned to Teddy.

"Hey, honey-I need to talk to you and Daphne," Teddy said. He looked over at Deacon and shook his head, then led Maddie back down the hall to the waiting room without saying another word.

Just like Teddy, Deacon thought as he turned to head into Rayna's room.

She was still asleep. The nurse had said that they needed to make sure that she was maintaining a level of consciousness, but that with the head injury, she would also just need a lot of rest and calm to recover. He walked over and sat down in the chair, again. He'd slept there next to her last night, not letting go of her hand.

He looked up at the sound of a knock at the door. It was Scarlett.

"Thought you might need some clothes and things. And I brought your pills," Scarlett said as she walked in the room and set the small bag down next to Deacon's chair. "How's she doing?"

Deacon shrugged. "They don't really know. We'll have a better idea when she wakes up today, I guess."

"Deacon?"

Deacon and Scarlett looked over to find Rayna's eyes open. Deacon stood up and moved over next to Rayna's head.

"Can...can…" Rayna paused to clear her throat.

"Let me call the nurse, Ray," Deacon said. He reached over for the call button next to her bed.

"I should go," Scarlett said. "I'm prayin' for you, Rayna." Scarlett reached over and touched Rayna's hand before she turned to leave.

As the door closed behind Scarlett, Rayna reached for Deacon's hand. "Who?"

Deacon wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to confuse her, further, but then Rayna would have to learn all of this eventually.

"We can talk about it later, Ray. Look, here's the nurse." He turned to the nurse who had walked into the room.

"Good to see you awake again, Ms. Jaymes," the nurse said. "I'm going to call your doctor, but I can also get you a cup of ice chips, if you want to try that."

Rayna nodded.

Deacon hadn't been sure what to expect when Rayna woke up. He couldn't tell if it was the throat issue that was making her communication so stilted or maybe it was something more dire-was the problem bigger than just her memory?


	8. Chapter 8

_**Two weeks later** _

Deacon pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked down at the screen. It was Tandy calling again. He hit a button and ignored the call. In a minute, the phone buzzed again indicating a voicemail message. He was tempted to ignore that as well, but then sighed and played the message.

_Deacon, we have to talk about this. I know you say this is what Rayna wants and needs, but I need you to be reasonable. Let me take her home, take care of her. Deacon, call me. This...this doesn't make any sense._

He hit delete and sighed again. Of course it didn't make any sense-none of this did, but the doctor said that Rayna needed to be in an environment where she could heal.

He put the phone back in his pocket and pushed the door open to Rayna's hospital room.

"Hey, babe," Rayna said, a smile crossing her face. "They're ready to spring me. Can we go home now?"

Deacon ran his head over her hair and leaned in to kiss her. "Of course, babe. Let's get you home."

He had planned to take her to his house, then realized he didn't know if that's where she expected to go after all. They hadn't wanted to push her too much, to agitate her, but as far as he could tell, Rayna still remembered her dad and sister and him. She didn't seem to remember any of her life with Teddy or the girls.

None of them seemed to know what to do, so when Teddy came and said that she should go with Deacon, he was relieved, but shocked. Teddy just sighed and said if it would help Rayna get better, it would be worth it.

Deacon had used the cabin sparingly over the years. Rayna had paid off the mortgage when she married Teddy. He hadn't understood at the time, but now that he knew about Maddie, it all made more sense-she was trying to make up for something he didn't even know he was losing.

Scarlett had gone out ahead of them to clean things up and get it ready for them to stay there. He figured this was a way to keep Rayna away from the press at the same time. Bucky had put out statements via the Edgehill media people, but at some point they were going to want to talk to Rayna.

Rayna's doctor stopped by as they were putting the last of her things into the duffle bag that Tandy had brought from the Belle Meade house.

"Now, take it easy, get lots of rest and we'll see you back here in a couple of days for rehab," he said, as he signed Rayna's discharge papers.

"And why do I need to keep goin' to that rehab?" Rayna asked.

"You've had a significant head injury, Ms. Jaymes. These things take time to recover from and we want to make sure that you have the best chance for recovery," the doctor replied, as he handed the signed forms over to Deacon.

Head injury. Traumatic brain injury. Amnesia. Personality change. Cognitive disabilities. The words had all jumbled around in his brain as the various specialists had come in to evaluate Rayna over the past two weeks. She didn't seem to have any lingering physical issues and her initial struggle for words had more to do with the intubation than any aphasia. The only real symptom of the brain injury was this memory loss and no one seemed to be able to predict when and if that would correct itself.

"Okay, babe. Let's get you out of here," he said again as the orderly came in with a wheelchair.

Take her home. Show her familiar things. Make her comfortable and then maybe, somehow, he'd be able to make her realize she was missing 15 years of memories.

* * *

"I love being here," Rayna said, as she opened the car door and stepped out next to the cabin. "It's always been our special place."

"Yep," Deacon said as he slipped her bag over his left shoulder.

"You should let me take that," Rayna said. "How'd you hurt yourself?"

Deacon looked down at the splint on his hand. It was the first time she'd commented on it and frankly, he wasn't sure what to tell her. Maybe the truth was the best option, or at least the truth he was willing to share.

"We were in a car accident together," he started, as he sat down next to her on the steps outside the cabin. He dropped her bag to the ground. "You hit your head and I hurt my hand."

"Is it going to be okay?" she asked. "I don't want to lose my guitar player." She smiled and looked over at him.

That smile could always melt him. When they were together. When they were apart. It undid him.

"I'm doin' my best to make it better," he replied. Make his wrist better. Make her better. Make up for all the damage he'd done.

He stood up and held his hand out to her. "Let's get you inside. You're still recovering."

She took his outstretched hand and stood, then leaned in and kissed him. "You've always known how to make me better, Deacon."

The question was, could he? Could he make her better? Himself? Them?

* * *

"When is Mom coming home?"

Teddy looked over where Daphne was standing in the door of the living room. It felt weird being back in this house he'd shared for so many years with Rayna, but the girls were already so upset, he didn't think it was fair to take them away from their home, their bedrooms. So, he came back to this house, this house without Rayna.

He patted the couch next to him and Daphne came over and crawled in next to him. He leaned down and kissed her on the head, his hand reaching up to smooth her hair. "Soon, I hope, honey. As soon as she's feeling a little better. Where's Maddie?"

Daphne looked up at him. He knew she had been crying, the tears were dried on her little cheeks.

"She's up in her room. She doesn't want to come down."

Maddie had been keeping her distance. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know what to say to Daphne. He knew she had questions, but she was too little to burden with all of the truth.

"But why can't she come home?" Daphne asked as she looked up at him.

"We just have to give her a little more time, honey." And he hoped that's all that it would take and that before too long, Rayna would come back-to all of them.

* * *

Deacon looked over at Rayna sleeping in the bed next to him. When she was like this, asleep, he could almost believe that none of it had happened, that it was still that morning they got the call about her CMA announcement, that they had just found their way back to each other.

She had started asking more questions-which he thought must be good. When she hadn't had any questions, it had been scary. But answering them, or rather not answering them, brought their own problems.

"Babe."

He looked back over where Rayna was pushing herself up in bed and smiled at her. "You sleep okay?" he asked.

"Just dreamin', I guess," she replied. "But the dreams are all jumbled up."

He stood up, pulling the t-shirt he had left on the end of the bed over his head, easing it over his hand and the splint. "You want some coffee?"

"I can get it-you're still recoverin'," she replied. "Do you...is today the day we go back to the hospital?"

Her short-term memory was getting better every day. The doctor said it meant that her brain was healing.

"Yeah, we need to get goin' in a little bit," he replied. "Why don't you jump in the shower and I'm sure I can manage the coffee, even with one hand."

"Deacon?" she started.

He was heading out toward the kitchen when he stopped and turned back.

"Yeah?"

"My dream...who's Maddie?"

She'd finally asked one of those questions he really didn't think he could answer.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

 

Deacon sat in a chair watching the sun glisten across the lake.

" _My dream...who's Maddie?"_

He could hear Rayna's question echoing over and over again in his head. He didn't know how to answer it, didn't know if he should. Maybe this was the kind of thing he was supposed to call the doctor about and have them handle, but this was so personal, so intimate that he had no desire to share that moment between he and Rayna with a bunch of folks who didn't even know them.

Rayna came down the hill from the cabin and stopped next to him, touching his shoulder. She handed him a fresh cup of coffee and then sat down in the chair next to him.

"You gonna answer my question, Deacon?" Rayna started. "Cause I know it means somethin', what I asked, cause I saw that look on your face."

Deacon shifted in the chair, so that his gaze was on her, not the water and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I can answer your question, Ray. Maddie...Maddie's our daughter."

He watched Rayna. Was this too much? Would it put her in a tailspin, upset the calm that she'd been able to achieve over the last couple weeks? Was he forcing her?

"We have a daughter?" Rayna asked again, her voice filled with question.

Deacon nodded. He couldn't trust his voice to add anything more.

"Where is she?" Rayna asked. "Can I meet her?"

Deacon reached over and took her hand, holding it with his good right hand. "Yeah, we can do that, Ray, but we need to talk first, okay?"

She nodded. "We have a daughter?"

Deacon smiled, maybe for the first time since he'd first gotten the news of Maddie, and nodded. "Yeah, you and me, we had a kid and Ray, she's amazing."

* * *

Deacon headed back into the cabin and picked up his phone, making a quick call to Tandy.

"Hey, I'm wonderin' if you can help me out with somethin'," he asked Rayna's sister.

"So, you can't handle this all on your own, Deacon?" Tandy replied.

Deacon sighed. "Hey, I'm just tryin' to figure out what the best thing is for Rayna. Isn't that what you want, too?" He leaned against the kitchen counter, his brow tightening up as he waited to hear Tandy's answer.

"What do you need, Deacon?" she finally replied.

"I need you to come out here and stay with Rayna this afternoon. I need to go into the hospital and meet with the doctors. Teddy's comin' too while the girls are in school."

"Has something happened?" Tandy asked. "Has she remembered something?"

"She remembered Maddie-or at least she remembered the name and asked me who she was. I don't know if it's cause that's what was happening when we had the accident or what, but that's what happened. I called the doctor and he wants to meet. I thought Teddy should be there, too."

"What does it mean, Deacon," Tandy asked quietly.

Deacon shifted nervously, then finally replied. "I don't know, Tandy, but I hope it means she's comin' back to us-all of us. I just...I just hope she can handle it when she has to remember all of that stuff again."

And he hoped that he could handle it too.

* * *

Deacon waited outside the hospital, his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. This partnership with Teddy was new and it still felt really odd. Everything was upside down now. How had he become Rayna's protector? One day they were finally together again, then his world exploded with the news about Maddie and then it exploded again with the accident and Rayna's amnesia.

His phone buzzed. He eased it out of his pocket with his good right hand and looked at the text message. It was Coleman asking about a meeting today.

He typed back in that he would meet him at the 4 o'clock. Rayna's doctor, then his PT appointment, then the AA meeting-he didn't like to be gone from Rayna for so long, but it was unavoidable.

"Deacon," Teddy said as he walked up.

Deacon finished the message, then shoved the phone back in his pocket. "Hey. How...how are the girls doing?"

Teddy tried to smile, then shook his head. "They're confused, sad. I don't really know what to tell them."

"Yeah," Deacon replied. "Uh...I just...I know none of this is what you wanted."

"Let's save all that for later, Deacon," Teddy replied. "Let's talk to this doctor and see how we can help Rayna. Once she's better, then we can talk about the rest of all that."

Deacon nodded, then followed Teddy into the hospital.

* * *

Teddy and Deacon sat down across from Dr. Allen's desk. Deacon looked up at the diplomas and certifications hanging on the wall. He seemed to have a lot of them, board certified in neurology and everything. Hopefully he knew enough to fix Rayna.

"So, she's starting to remember things?" Dr. Allen asked. "What did she say?"

Deacon shifted in his chair and leaned forward. "She said she had a dream about Maddie. She didn't seem to know who she was, except the name and that it meant somethin'."

"And did you tell her anything?" the doctor asked.

Deacon shrugged and glanced over at Teddy who was staring straight ahead. "I...I told Rayna that she was our daughter."

"And how did she take that?" the doctor asked again as he wrote a note down on his notepad.

"She had a lot of questions," Deacon replied. "She wanted to know where Maddie was, when she was born, why she wasn't with us."

The doctor looked up from his notes. "And what did you tell her?"

Deacon shrugged. "That she was safe and we'd talk about it later, when she was feeling better. I just wasn't sure if I should start putting all of those pieces together for her."

Teddy's head had dropped into his hands. He looked up and turned to face Deacon. "What do you intend to tell her?"

Deacon shrugged. "I want to tell her the truth, but I'm afraid of what that could do to her, what it could do to all of us."

"My advice," the doctor started, "is take it slow. But tell her what you think she can handle and take your cues from her. You know her, Deacon. You'll know what she can handle."

Deacon looked over at Teddy, not sure what any of them could handle. Did he tell about the love that he'd had for her before and after Maddie or did he tell her about all of the lies? The regret. The fact that he didn't even know how Maddie came to be...it wasn't just how much Rayna could handle, it was how much he could.

* * *

Deacon pulled out of the church parking lot and headed toward the road back to the cabin. He'd been quiet at the meeting, sitting next to Coleman. Afterward, Cole had called him on it.

"You're gonna need to start sharing things at some point," Deacon's sponsor said as they stood outside on the church steps.

"I know," Deacon replied, quietly. "I just feel like I only have so much I can do right now and I'm helping Rayna hold it together and that's helping me hold it together...I can't risk tearing things down inside of me right now.

"You're like a game of Jenga, Deacon Claybourne," Colemand replied. "You know that your stack can only get higher by weakening the base, right? You need to take care of yourself, man. I'm worried about you."

"I'm doing okay," Deacon replied. "I am. But I appreciate you caring so much about me."

He hugged the older man and then headed toward his truck. Time to get home to Rayna and face the music.

* * *

"She doin' okay?" Deacon asked as he walked in the cabin and found Tandy on the couch reading a book.

"Yeah, she's been pretty quiet today," Tandy replied. "She's taking a nap now, but I think she's trying to put the pieces together. I brought this...thought you might be able to use it."

Deacon looked over at the book that was laying on the coffee table. It was a baby book.

"Maddie's?" he asked.

Tandy nodded.

He sat down in the chair next to the couch and reached out to pick up the book. Resting it on his knees, he flipped it open. The first page had a sonogram photo pasted on it. His fingers brushed across it. He closed the book and set it down.

"Thought you might want to see it, too," Tandy added. "Deacon, I...I feel like I need to say this because Rayna can't right now, but what she did, what we all did, it was what we thought was the best at the time. Hindsight is usually 20/20 and I think now that it probably wasn't the right thing, but sometimes you tell a lie because you don't want to hurt the people you love the most. Rayna never wanted to hurt Maddie and she never wanted to hurt you."

"But she did," Deacon responded, quietly. "I just...I knew she was keepin' somethin' from me, but I never, ever thought it was somethin' like this."

"You never thought that?" Tandy asked. "Did you honestly never even imagine that Maddie might be yours?"

Deacon looked up at her, his eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall. "I guess I would have thought it might be true if I'd ever thought Rayna could keep something like this from me. So, no, I never thought that Maddie was my daughter. That it could be true."

"What's true?" Rayna asked from the door, her hair tousled from sleep.

Tandy stood up. "I should get back to town, go check on...I need to go. I'll talk to you soon, honey," she said as she crossed over and hugged Rayna. "Keep getting better. We all miss you."

Deacon pulled the pile of magazines on the coffee table over the baby book and watched as Tandy headed for the door.

Rayna came over and sat down on the couch. "How was your therapy?"

Deacon looked down at his hand, still in the splint. "Good, the therapist says I'm doin' as well as can be expected. I, uh, I went to a meeting as well with Cole."

Rayna nodded. In their first days at the cabin he'd told her that he'd relapsed, been drinking again. He'd also told her that until he felt more sure of himself, he could share her bed, but he couldn't share himself with her, not physically. She'd been pretty compliant in taking in anything he'd said, so she hadn't really questioned that either. He just couldn't be intimate with her, not right now with all of this history so unresolved between them. It wasn't fair to either one of them.

"You want some dinner?" he asked. "I brought some barbeque back with me from town." He stood up to head into the kitchen.

"Deacon," Rayna started.

He turned back to her. She'd pulled the magazines off the baby book and was holding it on her lap. He walked back over to the couch and took it from her.

"I want to talk to you before we look at that," he said.

She nodded. "Okay, so let's talk."

He sat back down and took a deep breath. "So, what did you see in your dream about Maddie?"

Rayna looked over at the bank of glass doors looking out on the lake . She slid back further in the couch and pulled her knees up toward her. She didn't look at Deacon. "I don't know for sure. I just know that you were yelling at me and told me that you couldn't believe that I never told you about Maddie. You said that I'd broken everything between us with that lie."

Deacon sat with that for a moment. It wasn't what he had expected her to say. He thought maybe she'd remembered when Maddie was a baby, or something from her childhood, not their fight, not the horrible words he'd said to her in the truck right before they'd flipped over.

Rayna turned now so that she was looking at him. "So, Deacon, who's Maddie? And why did I lie about her? Would I lie to you about our daughter?"

Deacon moved next to her on the couch, then reached again for the book laying on the table. This might be his biggest risk yet, but he picked it up and pulled it toward them. Flipping the cover open, he looked over at her, his fingers again resting on the sonogram photo.

"This is Maddie, our daughter. And this is her baby book. You can't remember what's in it, but I don't know because although you've only remembered her for a day, I never knew she was my daughter for the first 13 years she was alive. That memory you have, that's the fight we were havin' in my truck when we got in our crash."

Rayna raised her hand up to her mouth, trying to stifle the cry that wanted to come out. Her body shook and he reached over with his injured hand and slipped his arm around her.

"Ray, we both made a lot of mistakes. A lot of them. And right now you'll need to trust me to guide us through them cause you can't tell me why you did the stuff that you did, but maybe we can figure that out together. Maybe we don't have to destroy everything with the lies we told each other and ourselves. Will you trust me?"

She looked over at him and nodded, the tears now spilling down her cheeks.

He couldn't decide what to do. What was in the book? Teddy would be there for sure and he'd have to explain that as well. Maybe the best thing was just ripping the band-aid off. Maybe keeping her safe here and not having her deal with the real world hadn't really been helping her.

"So, Ray, let's look at this book and I'll explain stuff best I can and you ask me questions and I'll answer them if I can. Okay?"

She nodded.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded again, a bit more slowly, then shook her head. "I'm scared," she admitted.

He reached over and took her hand. "I am too."

Then he turned to the next page and looked down at the photo of a pregnant Rayna.

"This is you, pregnant with Maddie. You were 28 and a month before she was born you had your first platinum record."

Rayna reached over the touched the photo. "And who is he?" she asked.

"That's Teddy. He's your husband. And until about a month ago, I thought he was Maddie's dad."

_TBC_


	10. Chapter 10

 

Deacon turned the page and there was Maddie lying on Rayna's chest, Teddy leaning in, a smile crossed his face like Deacon had never seen.

"Uh, she was born on May 4th," Deacon started. "Honestly, I don't know too much about her birth. She was healthy and so were you."

"Did you see us when she was born?" Rayna asked as she ran her fingers over the photo.

Deacon shook his head. "No, I didn't see her or you until she was about six months. I, uh...I wasn't around when she was born. I, uh, I was in rehab, again."

Rayna looked over at him. "Again?"

Deacon nodded again. "Uh, yeah. I've been to rehab five times. You did that for me, Ray. You kept believin' in me, even when I didn't and that last time, when Maddie was born, that's when I kicked it."

"Until our fight?" she replied, looking over at him.

"Yeah," he responded. "But that's on me, not you." He flipped the page. "Oh, I remember this one."

It was a studio photo of Maddie, wearing a cute little dress with strawberries on it. She must have been about six months old.

"Why do you remember it?" Rayna asked.

"Uh, I think Maddie was about six months old when you headed back out on the road. You were supposed to go earlier, but then she was sick with an infection, gave you a bit of a scare, so the dates got pushed back. I was back in town and you showed up at the Bluebird on a Thursday night looking for me, askin' me if I'd come back out with you cause your guy had taken another gig while he was waiting for you to be ready to leave home."

"And you went?" she asked.

Deacon let out a quiet laugh and shook his head. "Shit, Rayna, I've never been able to tell you no-not for nothin'. Anyway, you were a proud, proud mama and you handed these photos out to everyone in the band and the crew." He leaned forward and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and flipped it open. "Still have it right here," he said as he showed her the worn photo of Maddie in his wallet.

They looked through the next couple of pages, with the lists of Maddie's "firsts" and her vaccinations.

Rayna turned the next page and laughed. "Oh, that's cute, not a gift from my father, I'm assuming," she said as she pointed to a photo of Maddie in a cowgirl outfit wearing little cowboy boots.

"No, not her father," Deacon replied, touching the photo. "I, uh...I gave her that for her third birthday."

Rayna looked over at him. "It was perfect. So, you were a part of her life?"

"Her uncle Deacon," he answered. "She had been begging for boots like mine every time she came to the studio or one of our shows. She wore them until she couldn't cram her little feet into them anymore."

"You loved her," Rayna replied.

Deacon nodded. "I did. She was you and I loved you, even though we weren't together anymore."

Rayna turned the page and there was another photo of a slightly older Maddie, but this time she was holding a baby.

"Deacon?" Rayna asked.

"That's Daphne," he replied.

Rayna closed the book and set it down. "How can't I remember them? How can I not remember my babies?" she cried.

Deacon took her in his arms and held her while she cried. "It'll come to you, Rayna. Let's...let's stop for tonight. You need to rest."

She let him help her up from the couch and lead her back to the bedroom. He helped her out of her clothes and into the nightgown she'd worn each night. He pulled the blankets back and watched while she crawled into the bed, her tears slowing, but not stopping.

"Deacon," she started. "Don't leave."

"I won't," he answered as he slid off his boots and jeans and slid into bed next to her. He turned on his side and she moved next to him, alongside his body.

"I remember this," she finally said. "I remember never feeling more safe than when I was with you."

* * *

Deacon woke up the next morning to find the sun shining in the window and the bed empty next to him. He got up and pulled on his jeans and headed out to the kitchen.

The coffee was brewed and a mug sat next to it for him to fill. There was no sign of Rayna. He poured a cup and opened the door to the refrigerator.

"Cream's on the counter," Rayna said as he leaned over looking into the fridge.

He stood up and smiled at her. "See, you remember I take cream in my coffee."

"You've put cream in your coffee every morning we've been here," she replied. "It's my long-term memory that's an issue, not my short-term."

Deacon put the cream back in the fridge, closed the door and lifted the cup up to his mouth to take a sip. "Didn't forget how to make good coffee, either."

Rayna gave him a light punch on the arm.

"Hey, careful, I'm injured here," Deacon replied, his face crinkling with a smile as he laughed.

"I love hearing that laugh," Rayna replied. "I just...being here, with you feels so right, but it shouldn't be, should it? You said I have a husband, the girls...how am I here, with you, and not with them?"

"Yeah," Deacon started, then took another sip of his coffee. "You want me to tell you this stuff?"

"Yeah," Rayna echoed, quietly. "I think I'm gonna need some help filling in the blanks. Plus, I think I remembered something else last night, or at least it seemed so real in my dream."

"You wanna talk about it?" Deacon asked.

She nodded as he set down his mug and held out his hand to her.

"C'mon, you can tell me anything, Rayna."

A confused look crossed her face. "You said that," she said as she took his hand.

"What?"

"You said that to me in the dream. You told me that I could tell you anything, or nothing at all."

"C'mon, let's go sit down," he replied as he led her back out into the living room and they sat down on the couch.

"I did say that to you, last week," Deacon said. "We...we were havin' kind of a fight. I knew you were holdin' somethin' back and I told you it didn't matter. That you could tell me anything or nothing at all, just like you remembered."

"Why were we talking about that?" Rayna asked.

Deacon laughed and shook his head. "Cause you and Teddy decided to get divorced, maybe about a month ago and you and I...well, we found our way back to each other."

"After how long?" she asked.

Deacon shrugged. "Maddie's 13, but we weren't together then, either."

"So, how did...when did that happen? When did we...when were we together before she was born?" she asked him.

Deacon's face grew serious and he rubbed his hand over the stubble on his chin. He didn't say anything for a moment, then looked over at her. "I don't know, Ray. I think...I think now that I'm over the shock of it, that's the thing that's been killin' me. And I'm thinkin' that maybe that's why you never told me. Cause if things were so bad with me that I can't remember the moment when we created that beautiful girl, then I wasn't in any kind of a place to be her father."

Rayna leaned in and kissed him, softly on the lips.

"I don't think we," Deacon started.

"Hush," Rayna replied and kissed him again. She pulled back and looked at him. "I remember this. I remember how this feels, how it feels now. I remember loving you, Deacon."

Deacon, ran his fingers down the side of her face, then leaned forward and picked up the baby book. "Mind if we look at a little more of this?"

Rayna nodded and opened the book again.

TBC

_PS - Special thank to piratewench78 for the suggestion about the cowgirl outfit._


	11. Chapter 11

They spent the afternoon flipping through the book when Rayna looked over at him. "Hey, do you have any of my music?"

"Uh, yeah, I do," he replied. "You want me to put something on?"

Rayna nodded. "I just feel like-I feel like I need to have things around me that remind me of who I was, who I am. And, I think that I should see the girls. Do you think we can do that?"

Deacon stood up and headed over toward the stereo. "Sure, if you're ready for that, I know they'd love to see you. Those girls have been missin' you somethin' fierce."

"You've seen them?" Rayna asked as she pulled an afghan around her shoulders while she sat on the couch.

"No, but I talked to them on the phone and told them how you're doin' and I talk to Tandy pretty much every day," Deacon replied.

"And Teddy?"

Deacon turned back to Rayna, the remote in his hand. "He's been really decent about this, Ray. He wants you to get better, but Teddy has never been my biggest fan and this latest event, well, we're bein' as civil as we can be, for the girls and for you."

"Would it hurt him if I just wanted to see the girls?" she asked, quietly. "Would that be okay?"

Deacon was quiet for a minute. "Could you see them with Tandy? Cause I want to be careful with the girls and I think they're gonna need someone in their corner and I don't think that can just be me."

Rayna nodded. "Should they come here?"

Deacon shook his head. "No, we need to go into town for your appointment with Dr. Allen tomorrow. Why don't I go to a meeting and I'll have Tandy take them over to your house. Might be good for you to see that too. Would that be okay?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, I can do that-now play the music."

Deacon smiled at her and pressed play as "Already Gone" began to fill the room.

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Deacon said as he pulled up in front of Rayna's Belle Meade home.

She shook her head. "No, I mean, I am...maybe you should come with me."

Deacon put the car in park and reached over to take her hand. "I will do that, if you want me to, but I think it'd be better if it was just you and Tandy with the girls."

Rayna looked over at him and nodded. "Come in with me, at least?"

"Of course," Deacon replied.

They both got out of the car and stood in the house for a moment.

"I live here?" Rayna asked. "This...it looks like the house I grew up in, I mean, not the same, but you know…"

"You're a huge success, Rayna," Deacon replied. "You did everything we dreamed about and more."

"And where do you live?" she asked.

"Uh, I'm in East Nashville," Deacon offered.

She turned and looked at him. "Do you live in our house?"

He nodded.

"You never got over me, did you?" she asked, her face finally breaking into a slight smile.

He echoed the smile back at her. "I'd never of admitted it before, but no, I never really got over you. Plus, it was a nice house."

She laughed. "Darn straight-I spent a lot of time stripping those floors and painting that bathroom...oh…"

"What?" Deacon asked.

"I don't think...did I remember that?" she asked.

Deacon shrugged. "Don't know, I'm really learnin' about this memory thing as we go along."

"Yeah," Rayna replied quietly. "Okay, let's do this."

Deacon took her hand and they walked up to the house. As they reached the front door, it opened and Tandy was standing there to meet them.

"Hey, honey," she greeted Rayna. She leaned in and gave Rayna a hug. "The girls are really excited to see you."

"I...uh...I really am too, I'm just...I'm nervous," Rayna admitted. She looked back at Deacon.

"Go on, you're gonna be fine," Deacon coached her. "They're your girls, they love you and you love them. It's gonna be okay."

"You'll be back in a couple of hours?" Tandy asked Deacon.

"Yeah, I'll...I'll give a call before I come and see if it's a good time," he offered.

"Thanks," Tandy replied. "C'mon, Rayna-it's gonna be just fine."

Deacon stood with his right hand in his coat pocket watching as Rayna followed Tandy into the house. She'd be fine. It would be fine. Rayna would be fine. She had to be. It was his mantra these days.

After a moment he turned and headed back to the car, started it up and headed back downtown to go to another meeting. Something told him that he might have something to say today.

* * *

Deacon sat in the back of the church hall, his chair squeaking slightly as he shifted in his seat. He looked over as Coleman sat down next to him.

"Rayna with the girls?" Cole asked.

Deacon nodded and looked down at the half empty cup of coffee he was clutching in his hand.

"You doing okay?"

Deacon looked over at his sponsor. "One day at a time, right?"

"You know it, man," Coleman replied. "Lotsa regulars here today," he observed as he looked around.

Deacon knew what Cole meant-might be a good day to get some things off of his chest. AA was anonymous and confidential, but at the same time, his troubles were tied up with the Queen of Country Music and sometimes it felt like he wasn't as free to talk about things as he would be if Rayna was just the girl down the street.

The meeting opened and a couple of people got up to share. There was an invitation for anyone else and Deacon sighed, set down his now empty cup and stood up.

"Hey, I'm Deacon and I'm an alcoholic," he started.

"Hi, Deacon," the group replied.

"I, uh...I see a lot of familiar faces here, people who've been here with me over the years. This past while, it's been pretty hard for me. Made me slip up and drink after I'd been sober for 13 years. That kinda suprised me-maybe I was cocky, but I didn't think that'd happen to me anymore.

"But it did, and I'm dealin' with it and the reasons I drank, how I deal with them and a lot of days, I feel like I'm doin' okay, but the thing is, a lot of what I'm doin' right now is takin' care of people around me and I don't know if I'm doin' that great of a job of takin' care of myself. I worry that I'm gonna put myself back in that place where I was a couple of weeks ago and that really scares me. But at the same time, I've got people who are countin' on me, so maybe that's what I need to keep workin' my program."

"See, I love a woman and I'm lucky for that, but when I'm with her, I drink. I wish I could say it was different, because I love her so much it hurts and it's hard for me when I'm not with her. We've been apart a long time this time and that whole time I was sober. So, I'm just afraid that maybe I can't be with her, but I also don't know that I can be without her."

Deacon sat down. Maybe now that he'd finally said it out loud, he could start dealing with his biggest fears. What if he couldn't stay sober when he was around Rayna? And if he couldn't stay sober, then he'd never be able to have a relationship with his daughter. And these days, after telling all of the stories about Maddie to Rayna, having a relationship with Maddie was about all he could think about anymore.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Deacon pulled up in front of Rayna's house. He felt exhausted after the AA meeting and finally voicing his fears that he wasn't able to stay sober if he was with Rayna. He sat for a moment in the car when the door to the house opened up and Maddie walked out. He opened the car door and got out.

"Hi," Maddie said, as she walked up to him.

"Hi," he replied, suddenly feeling very shy around this girl he had known her whole life, but she was no longer Maddie, Rayna and Teddy's daughter. Now she was his-the daughter he'd never known.

"Can you come in for a bit?" she asked, gesturing toward the house.

He nodded and closed the car door. "How's your mom doing?" he asked.

"Come see for yourself," Maddie replied as she led him to the house.

They walked into the foyer. He could hear Daphne and Rayna's voices in the family room.

"Hey," he said as he walked in. Rayna and Daphne were seated on one of the couches and Tandy was in the kitchen, standing by the counter.

"Deacon!" Daphne exclaimed as he walked in. "We were just showing Mom the video of our talent show from last year."

"When you did that song of Juliette's?" he asked.

"Yeah!" Daphne replied. "Maddie was gonna go get her guitar and we were going to do another song for her. You want to hear?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, that would be real nice."

He crossed over and sat on the other couch. "You doin' okay?" he asked Rayna.

She nodded. "I'm doin' great," she answered.

"One song, girls, and then I think your mom and Deacon probably need to be heading back to the cabin," Tandy directed.

"Okay," Daphne responded.

Maddie came back into the room with her guitar and sat down next to Deacon. "We've been working on something new for you," she introduced. "I mean, it's new to us, but I think you'll know it."

Maddie began playing the first few chords. Deacon knew the song immediately. It was the first song he'd ever written for Rayna. That song with all of his hopes and dreams for them. He felt the tears come to his eyes and tried to brush them away without Rayna or the girls noticing.

_Sitting here, tonight._   
_By the firelight, it reminds me,_   
_I already have more than I should._

Daphne's voice joined in.

_I don't need anything._   
_No one to know my name._   
_At the end of the day, Lord, I pray_   
_I have a life that's good._

Deacon looked over at Rayna as they girls continued singing. She smiled at him and nodded her head. It was almost too much for him, he felt like he wanted to get up and walk out, get a breath of fresh air, but at the same time, he didn't want to be anywhere other than here, with this woman, with these girls.

That song.

_Two arms around me_   
_Heaven to ground me_   
_And a family that always calls me home._

_Four wheels to get there_   
_An awful lot of love to share_   
_and a Sweet, sweet, sweet song_

_At the end of the day, Lord, I pray_   
_I have a life that's good._

Maybe he'd known it back then. Maybe running wasn't the answer anymore. Maybe it was literally time to stay and face the music.

* * *

"You're quiet," Rayna said as they turned off the highway, only a few miles from the cabin. After hugs and a teary goodbye, they'd left the girls with Tandy and headed home with promises to be back soon.

"Sorry," Deacon apologized. "Just been thinkin' a lot."

"You wrote that song for me, didn't you?" she asked, as she reached her hand over and rested it on his leg.

"The girls tell you that?" Deacon asked. He hadn't wanted to probe her too much about how it had gone with the girls, if she remembered anything.

"No," she answered. "I can't remember the exact details, but I remember the music more and more."

"It's weird, isn't it?" he replied. "How all those details are still missin' but at the same time…" His voice trailed off, not quite sure how to say what he was thinking.

"Weird that I can remember so clearly how I feel about you? When I can't remember about when we were together before, but that I knew we loved each other?" she answered.

"Yeah," he responded. "Like that is the thing that stuck in there when everything else got knocked loose." He pulled in next to the cabin and put the car in park.

"Think that means something?" she asked as she leaned across to him, her hand running down the edge of his face. "That I couldn't forget us?"

He turned to look at her. "It must mean something. But we need to figure out what that is, Rayna."

She pulled back from him. "Yeah, I suppose we do."

"I don't want to confuse you, Rayna and I don't want to hurt you," he started to explain, the darkness in the car providing him the courage to continue this vein of the conversation. "The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt you, Maddie, Daphne…"

"Why do you think you'd hurt us?" Rayna asked, her voice breaking slightly.

Deacon reached over and took her hand. "Cause that's the only thing I've ever done to you, Rayna. You might not be able to remember all that stuff, but I do and any time I've let myself get close again, believe that I might be able to have that life I wrote about so long ago, I ruin it and I hurt the people I care about most. Why would it be any different this time?"

"Maybe we're different this time? I don't know what I did last time that you couldn't stay sober, so maybe it's a chance for us to change that?" Rayna asked.

Deacon was quiet.

"Babe?" Rayna asked, her voice crossing the darkness of the car, lit only by the sliver of the moon in the sky.

Deacon choked back the cry that was in his throat.

"Babe," she started again, her hand tightening around his, connecting them. "I want to make it different this time, for you. For us. For our family."

Deacon leaned across and kissed her. "I want to believe that, Ray. I love you so much, it cuts my heart into pieces and now that I know about Maddie, it's even more intense. It's just…"

"What?" she asked.

"You've said that before, almost every time I got out of rehab. This time we'd make it different. For us. For the family we'd have. You always said that except for the last time and that's the only time I was ever able to do it."

"What do you mean?" Rayna said, her voice quiet.

"The only time I ever was able to stay sober was that last time when you took the family and went to be with Teddy. Coleman told you to cut me loose and you did and whether it was the right thing or the wrong one, it's the only time I ever managed to stay sober and I did that until I tempted myself with you again."

"So I make you drink?" Rayna replied, her words clipped. She pulled her hand from Deacon and moved away from him, toward the car door.

Deacon stared straight ahead into the dark. "You do not make me drink, Ray. Nobody does that but me. You can't make me a drunk, you can't keep me sober. Unless we both understand that, we can never try to change."

Deacon opened the car door and got out, then headed into the cabin.

Rayna sat for a moment and then got out and followed him into the cabin.

"Deacon," she started.

He turned and faced her.

"Don't give up on us, yet," she pleaded. "I know we don't have all of the answers but can we still try? Can you tell me about us, when we were together and then later, how it's been these past few years? Tell me about it and maybe we can figure out how to make our future different. Can we?"

Deacon crossed back over to her and took her in his arms. His shoulders shook with the tears he couldn't hold back any longer. Rayna tightened her arms around him and held him.

Examine the past. Look at the future. Make it different. Maybe it could work. Maybe.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

It was a quiet night between them. Deacon had gone to bed shortly after they got back to the cabin. Rayna stayed up, looking through Maddie's baby book again, and Daphne's baby book that she'd brought with her from her house. Finally, after midnight, he heard her come into bed, her body sliding along side his. He rolled onto his uninjured side and pulled her close to him. She sighed deeply and they both soon fell asleep.

Rayna was still asleep the next morning when he woke up. He headed into the kitchen and started the coffee.

"Hey, babe," Rayna said, interrupting his thoughts as he turned to find her standing in the door to the kitchen.

He smiled at her. "You in a robe in my kitchen...I can't imagine any other way I'd want to start my morning?"

He knew they had weighty things to discuss, but sometimes it was just so magical to have her here, with him, that he had to push those thoughts away.

Rayna laughed and reached for the mug of coffee he had fixed for her. "I can't believe you can find me attractive, in this old robe, with my hair lookin' a fright."

He pulled her close and kissed her. "You are the most amazing, beautiful woman to me, Ray. No matter what you're wearing or what you've done or not done with your hair."

"So, on that note," Rayna began.

"Yeah," Deacon replied.

"So, I know we've spent a lot of time talking about me and about the girls, but today...today I want to talk about you, about us."

Deacon pulled back and looked at her.

"Tell me, Deacon," she started. "I want you to tell me about us."

* * *

He led her down to the lake where they sat in the chairs looking out over the water.

"You really want to do this?" Deacon asked her.

"Tell me the stuff...tell me the things that makes you worried about us," she prodded.

Deacon took and deep breath and thought. There were so many memories, so many moments...how could he share all of that with Rayna when she still wasn't able to remember it?

"Just tell me about us...about how you felt about us," Rayna encouraged.

Deacon rubbed his right hand across his face. All of those years.

"Well, I guess it started with the music," he began. "That first night when you were up on stage at the Bluebird, singin' at an open mic. You were there with Watty and even then, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I just felt this electricity go through me as you sang that song and played that guitar so…"

"So what?" she asked.

He laughed. "Badly. We're both gonna be lucky that Maddie got her guitar skills from me."

Rayna laughed. "Go on."

"Yeah, so, well, I guess it was infatuation at first sight for me. I...I wrote that song that the girls sang that night. And maybe even then I knew that was my dream for us. But it was more about hopes, then actual feelings at that point."

He looked over at her. "I can't...I can't just tell you about 20 years of us, Ray. I wouldn't know what to…"

"If you had to tell someone how you felt about me, what would you say?" she asked.

Deacon sighed. "Ray, you're my heart. My everything. I'm never better then when I'm with you, but it's like the moth that's attracted to the fire. When I get too close, I can't help myself and I get burned, except the thing is, I burn up everything around me, too."

"How'd you do it differently without me?" she asked. "How'd we make it for so long apart?"

Deacon looked out over the water again, his eyes fixed on the far shore. "Well, for a long time, that's exactly what we were...we were apart."

"You said you didn't meet Maddie until she was six months old," Rayna said.

"Yeah, there was that time, nearly two years when we didn't speak and then, there was the period after Daphne was born, too."

"What happened then?" Rayna asked.

Deacon looked over at her and shrugged. "You were off the road and you just...you just stopped talking to me."

"I did what?" Rayna asked.

"Stopped talking to me. Didn't answer my calls, texts, e-mail...just stopped talking to me."

"For how long?" Rayna asked.

Deacon looked back out again, unable to meet her eyes. "Can't really remember...maybe a year. You went back out on the road and I stayed home doing session work."

"And how did we...when did we reconnect?" Rayna asked.

"It was...it was when my dad died," Deacon responded.

"Were you close?" Rayna asked.

Deacon shook his head. "No, I mean, maybe when I was little, but no we weren't close."

"Deacon…" Rayna started.

Deacon looked back over at her. "He was a real S.O.B., Rayna. He was a mean drunk, he hit my mom, me, my sister...he was a real piece of work."

"How did he die?" she asked.

"Slow," Deacon responded. "Liver failure, from drinking and kidney failure. There were a couple of years of my mom driving him to dialysis and then at the end, he was at Vandy, and my mom couldn't stay up here because of things going on with my sister and Scarlett, so there I was, just sitting there in the hospital with him. Coulda left, but I didn't."

"And I came?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, you came. At the end. And then after he was gone, you made the arrangements and set up the funeral. And you came down, by yourself. I think that was a big fight with Teddy."

"You and Teddy?" Rayna asked.

A smile quickly crossed Deacon's face. "Let's just say that past few weeks are the best we've ever gotten on and that ain't sayin' much."

"So, how'd you do it?" Rayna asked. "How could you be in my life and not in my life?"

Deacon shrugged. "I just did what I could to stay close enough that I didn't have to give you up, but never gettin' so close that I'd burn us up. Tried real hard and then you came to the Bluebird."

"What?" Rayna asked.

"Last year...you were havin' some trouble with the label, your tour, the album didn't do much and we got into it. I asked you why you never came to hear me play at the Bluebird and so you did."

"What happened?" Rayna asked.

" _No One Will Ever Love You_ ," Deacon replied.

"Oh," Rayna responded. He'd played the song for her a couple of nights earlier off of one of the early albums.

"I don't know why...we'd just kept our safe distance for so long and then, that night, I guess it just showed both of us that we'd been stuck in a world of denial."

"Is that when we…" Rayna started.

Deacon shook his head. "No, but it was the last time I tried to stay away from you and it's the last time you tried to cut me out."

"But it didn't last," Rayna said, her question rhetorical.

"Nope. Things happened and then you showed up at my house one night."

"And?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes, and then, yes, Rayna. That was when we got back together."

"So…" she started. "What happened this time?"

"It's what I told you before-I let myself get too close again. And I knew you were holdin' somethin' back, somethin' big, so I shouldn't have been surprised when you finally told me about Maddie. You and me...we've never been so good about keepin' secrets from one another. Maybe that's the good and bad about us. My heart is always on my sleeve for you, Rayna. Lost me more than one girlfriend over the years."

"So, why did you drink this time, Deacon?" Rayna asked. "I don't really care about the other times. Why this time?"

Deacon looked over at her. "Cause for the first time I realized that all the things I'd been jealous of over the years, that I'd coveted cause you had 'em with Teddy and not me, I think it all came to me that I didn't lose that cause you met another guy and fell in love. I didn't have it cause you didn't think I could do it-that you didn't think that we could make that miracle happen for us."

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

_And we're back...thanks again for all of the wonderful reviews and many thanks to KarenES and Beth Pryor for offering support and beta review. I couldn't do it without you!_

* * *

After they talked, Deacon told Rayna he needed a little time by himself and ended up walking a couple miles along the lake shore. When he headed back into the cabin, Rayna was at the table writing in the notebook that the therapist had given her the week before.

He walked in the door and she laid down her pen and smiled at him.

"Feel any better?" she asked.

Deacon shrugged off his coat and hung it on the back of the chair. "Yes, I think so-sometimes it's nice to just be with your thoughts, I guess."

Rayna nodded, then pushed back her chair, stood up and walked over to him. She pulled him into an embrace. "I heard what you were saying before and I know you're scared. I am too."

Deacon held on to the embrace for a moment longer, then relaxed his arm around her.

"You know what's really so hard for me right now?" Rayna asked.

"What?" Deacon responded, his hand still on her arm.

"I want to be able to remember...for both of us, what happened, the night that we made Maddie. The thing that keeps bein' stuck in my head is that even though things were hard for us, and I know you said that sometimes they were truly awful, it must have been love that put us together in that moment when we created that beautiful girl."

Deacon looked down at the floor for a moment, then back up to meet her gaze, his eyes wet. "You think that it was? I mean, I just…"

"You just what?" she asked.

Deacon shook his head, unable to meet her eyes again. She slipped her hand under his chin and raised his face up so that they were looking straight at each other.

"You just what, Deacon?" she asked again.

"Sometimes, Ray...sometimes I was so out-of-control and mean and I broke things and I said horrible things...what if…"

Rayna shook her head. "No, Deacon. It wasn't like that. It would never have been like that."

Deacon began to cry. "But, if it wasn't, then why...why would you have kept it from me? If it wasn't because I forced you or hurt you or…"

"Is this what's been on your mind?" she asked.

Deacon nodded, unable to say the words aloud.

Rayna pulled him back to her again and touched her lips to his, softly, gently, then pressed against him more. Her hand was against the back of his head, drawing him closer. Finally, they broke their embrace.

"No, Deacon. That isn't what happened," Rayna said. "It was nothing like that."

"You don't know, you can't remember," Deacon reminded her.

"I may not have all of my marbles, but I think we need to look at the facts, hon," she started. "No, I didn't tell you about the baby, but I kept you in my band, I had you in my home, I let you have a relationship with your daughter. I think that tells me that I was scared for her and for us, but not that you were someone I was afraid of or someone who had hurt me that way."

Deacon nodded. "I just wish I knew how it happened."

Rayna took his hand in hers and led him over to the couch. He sat down at the far end and she laid down, then moved closer so that her body rested against his, her head tucked in against his chest and shoulder. He slipped his good arm around her and held her close.

"So, let's write our own story about how it happened," Rayna offered. "Sure, it may not be exactly what happened between us, but neither one of us knows that. We can make our own reality, okay?"

"Tell me your story, babe," Deacon replied as he softly kissed the top of her head and smoothed his hand over her hair.

"Things had been really busy for us, lots of dates on the road, not enough sleep, but finally we had that break we'd been dreaming about," Rayna began. "I wanted to sit on a beach somewhere, but you just wanted to be quiet, still, just us. So we came up here."

Deacon relaxed into the couch as Rayna continued the story.

"We had been out on the lake and you tipped the canoe. The air was warm enough that it wasn't too cold while we were coming back, but by the time we got on shore, I wanted nothing more than a hot shower. You wanted nothing more than to help me.

"We were in the shower and you were washin' my hair. I loved how it felt with your hands in my hair, massaging the skin…" Rayna's voice trailed off at the fantasy of it.

"But then I pressed you up against the wall, making sure that every inch of me was touching every inch of you. I devoured you, but then you said something I can never forget. You kissed me and touched me in all of those places that you know so well and you said, 'let's make a baby.'"

Rayna's eyes were closed as she continued to spin the story.

"We got out of the shower and you wrapped me up in the big soft towels I love and you carried me over to our bed. You pressed me up against the pillows and then…"

Rayna moved in his arms, sliding so that she was facing him, her hands running up his face. Deacon's eyes were closed.

"And?" Deacon asked.

"And we made our baby girl," she said quietly. She pressed her lips to meet his and caressed his cheeks. His mouth widened, to meet her, take her within him. She reached out to taste him, to remind all of her senses of what it felt like to be with him.

Deacon reached down to unbutton her blouse, then stopped. "You okay?" he asked. Before, when Rayna was still just recovering this hadn't seemed right to him, not fair, but in the past few days, even though she still couldn't remember, she was his Rayna again.

She nodded and he continued opening her blouse, his hands now up and around her breasts. He traced his fingers across the skin along her collarbone, up her neck.

"Was it like this?" he asked.

Rayna nodded.

Deacon leaned in and kissed her again, then pulled back. "Let's go into the bedroom."

Rayna nodded again and slid from his lap. They both stood and moved into the bedroom where they had slept each night, next to each other, but not with one another.

* * *

Deacon moved behind Rayna as she stood at the edge of the bed. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body close to his.

"You always fit right here, so perfect," he whispered into her ear.

She turned and raised her hand up, softly touching the lines around his eyes, his face. "I love the way you look at me, the way the light comes up in your eyes. It makes me feel like there is no one else in the world but us."

He kissed her, his right hand reaching up to touch her gentle curls. "God, you're gorgeous, Ray."

Rayna laid down on the bed and Deacon followed her. He sat for a moment and loosened the splint he still wore on his left hand.

"Should you?" she began to ask.

"It's fine Ray," he responded. "I don't want to be held back from any part of you or me."

With both hands now, he began to explore her, reminding himself of parts of Rayna that he had missed for all of these years.

They began quietly, softly, gently, then more urgently as they both began to need to be closer, tighter, one.

Deacon continued to move across and within Rayna as she cried out, her back arching in the suddenness of the intensity of their bond.

Afterwards she lay quietly in his arms, his legs wrapped around hers, cocooned within his embrace.

"This feels right," she said quietly. "This feels like where we're supposed to be."

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

_Thank you, as always, to Beth Pryor and KarenES who help make this story coherent and all take place on the right day (tip your editors). Additional note at the bottom._

* * *

Deacon looked down at the phone, took a breath and then dialed the number.

"Hey, it's Deacon, I'd...I'd like to talk. Can you meet me?"

He made plans to meet at a diner and ended the call. Here went nothing.

* * *

Deacon pulled into the parking lot at the diner, put the car into park and sat for a moment. Finally he shook his head and opened the door.  _Buck up, Deacon_  he thought to himself as he headed to the door.

He pulled the door open and looked down the row of booths. There at the end sat Teddy Conrad. Deacon paused for a moment, then walked down and took a seat across from Teddy.

"Hey, thanks for coming," Deacon said as he sat down.

Teddy nodded.

"Coffee?" the waitress asked as she set a mug down on the table.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Deacon said. He picked up the menu and opened it even though he knew he'd order a couple of eggs over easy with bacon and wheat toast.

"So, Deacon, what are we doing here?" Teddy asked.

Deacon took a sip of his coffee. It was hot, but good.

"I, I just wanted to check in, see how the girls are doing, uh…"

"Girls are fine," Teddy replied. "More importantly, how's Rayna? They miss her and I'm starting to run out of good excuses about why she's still out at that cabin with you and not at home with them. I've been patient, Deacon, but…"

"No, you're right," Deacon interrupted. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about- uh, she's doin' really good, feelin' more like herself."

"Remembering things?" Teddy asked. "Remembering us?"

Deacon shook his head. "No, not really, but she's just more herself, and I think she needs to see the girls."

"So bring her home," Teddy replied.

"She's...she's still really unsure of everything. I've asked her if she wants to go home, but she...Teddy, I think she's scared," Deacon responded. "Would you...would you consider letting them come out and stay with us for a night?"

Teddy shook his head. "No, absolutely not."

"I just thought…" Deacon started.

"No," Teddy replied. "We've done everything your way, but I'm not going to send my kids out there, where I don't know what's going on, with a man I don't trust. It's one thing that Rayna is there, but not my kids."

"She's my kid, too," Deacon replied quietly. With everything going on, they had never discussed it, but Deacon wasn't willing to let Teddy keep ignoring the truth that they all knew.

Teddy looked directly at Deacon. He took another sip of coffee from his mug. "You know how I met Rayna?"

Deacon shook his head.

"Her sister introduced us. But we'd made plans a couple of times and each time she had to cancel. Like five times. She'd never say why, but I can read the newspaper and each time it was you-a fight, a car accident, jail, rehab. For six months we tried to make plans. And every time something happened. Something with you. And booze."

Teddy took another sip of his coffee and set the mug down. "Did Rayna ever tell you that my dad was an alcoholic?"

Deacon shook his head. "No, she didn't."

"Yeah, I mean, he kept it together for a long time, but in the end, it was a round of disappointments and embarrassment. He showed up drunk at my high school graduation. Made a scene. I never wanted that for Maddie, never wanted her to have that feeling that what was in a bottle was more important than her."

Deacon looked down at the table, then after a moment lifted his chin and looked at Teddy. "Did Rayna ever tell you that my daddy was a drunk?"

"No," Teddy replied, quietly.

"Yeah, and not the kind that disappoints you either," Deacon responded. "He was more the kind that broke shit and beat the crap out of you. Way I see it," Deacon continued, "you got the best of it three times. One, you got to be Maddie's dad; two, your dad wasn't a mean drunk; and three, which makes you the luckiest SOB of all, somehow you didn't end up a drunk either."

"I just…" Teddy started.

"Nah, I get it," Deacon replied. "You want to keep your daughters safe and you don't trust the word of a drunk, even one who's sitting in front of you, cold sober. I get that. If it'd make you feel better, you come too or send Tandy. I know that I'm doin' good, that I'm workin' my program, but I get where you're comin' from too."

Deacon stood up and put a ten dollar bill down on the table. "Just think about it, Teddy." He turned and walked out of the diner. He was never going to be Teddy Conrad's friend, but maybe he understood him just a tiny bit better now. Seemed like everyone had baggage these days.

* * *

Later that day, Deacon pulled up next to the cabin and put the car in park. He slowly flexed his left hand. It still felt bare without the splint. At therapy earlier that day, his physical therapist had declared that he no longer had to wear it when he wasn't in therapy. He was "cured." He pulled his fingers slowly inward. There was still pain and stiffness there, but nothing like when they had first started working with him after the surgery.

He walked up to the door when he heard the phone ring. He pushed the door open and grabbed it. "This is Deacon."

"Tomorrow night?" Teddy responded. "And I'm coming too."

"No, that sounds great. Tomorrow night. About 6 pm? I can make some dinner."

"Yeah, okay," Teddy replied. "Don't screw this up."

"I won't," Deacon replied.

* * *

Deacon tightened the can opener down on the can of baked beans and turned the crank. It felt good to be able to use both hands to do something as simple as open a can. He dumped it in the pot as Rayna walked into the kitchen.

"Look at you, cookin'," Rayna said as she came up behind him and slipped her arms around him. "Is that chili? With baked beans? That's weird."

"It's my special recipe," Deacon said as he set the can down and turned to give her a quick kiss. "It'll knock your socks off."

"I love chili," she replied.

Deacon smiled. "I remember. And Daphne and Maddie love it, too." He stood there for a minute, waiting for any kind of recognition to cross her face. "I, uh...I invited them out here for dinner tonight-with Teddy."

"Oh," Rayna replied.

"You gotta start spendin' time with them, Ray," he responded. "It's been long enough…you're doin' so much better."

"And Teddy's comin' with them?" she asked.

"Yeah, I had breakfast with him yesterday before therapy and invited them out."

"And Teddy was okay with that?" Rayna asked.

She still didn't remember any of her time with Teddy, but she'd asked enough questions to know that Teddy and Deacon did not have a very good relationship.

Rayna went over and sat down at the table.

"What's the matter, babe?" Deacon asked, as he set the can opener down and came over to her.

"How am I supposed to be their Mama?" she asked, her eyes glistening with tears. "I mean, I was with them that day at the house, but I don't...I don't remember them."

Deacon sat down and took her hand across the table. "I think we need to face the facts, Ray. You might never remember that time with them, but they are always going to be your daughters and they love you and you...you love them. Even if you don't remember it."

"I do love them," Rayna said. "I just don't know…"

He leaned in and kissed her. "We'll just do it together. We can figure it out together."

TBC

_For those who question my odd chili ingredients, the baked beans version is a family recipe. Must be Bush's and make sure you put some tomato, some green chilis and some kidney beans in there too-the sweet is awesome with the heat._


	16. Chapter 16

_Well, here it finally is...the conclusion of the little story I started while I was waiting for season 2 to start. Decided I better get it done before Season 3 began! Thank you so much to everyone who read along and for all the wonderful reviews. A special thanks to my editors and chief cheerleaders, KarenES and Beth Pryor. You guys rock!_

* * *

He could tell she was nervous. She'd spent the afternoon looking through the baby books again and had changed her clothes three times in the past hour.

"You look fine, babe," he said as he pulled a can of Coke from the fridge and popped it open. "You want something to drink? A glass of water?"

She shook her head, then came over and slipped her arms around him. "Thanks for doing this."

He leaned in and kissed her. "Of course, Ray. They're your family-they're my family too, always have been in so many ways and now, of course…"

"I want us to be a family," Rayna replied. "But, I've been thinkin' about somethin'."

He lifted his hand up to brush her soft curls away from her face. "Yeah?"

"I think I"m realizin' that I need to work some things out with Teddy. I mean, it's hard for me, cause it's just a blank slate there but I was lookin' at those books today and I can see that we were a family too and he's the girls' father...I mean, I know that you're Maddie's father, but…" Rayna's voice trailed off as she dropped her eyes away from his.

He reached over, gently, and lifted her face back so that their eyes met again. "Ray, I want us to be a family, you, me, Daphne and Maddie, but I want you and Teddy and the girls to understand that he is always going to be a part of it and I know we haven't been the best of friends in the past, but that doesn't matter anymore. I want those girls to know that they have two dads and a mom who all love them more than the world can know."

Rayna nodded, then leaned in and kissed him again. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Deacon smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Nah, what did I do to deserve you?"

She slipped into his arms, staying there until there was a knock at the door.

"Hey, I need to talk to the girls about somethin'," Deacon said as he pulled from the embrace. "Why don't you head down to the dock for a little bit and just talk to Teddy. Maybe that'd make you feel better."

Rayna kissed him. "Good idea, babe."

He would never tire of hearing her say that-when she started calling him 'babe' without him telling her to, he knew she was coming back, even if Rayna didn't know it yet.

"Come here, my babies!" Rayna called as the girls came running into the house. She pulled them into a tight hug.

"Deacon," Teddy said, quietly, holding his hand out and shaking Deacon's hand. "Thanks for having us."

"Thanks for comin'," Deacon replied.

"Hey, Deacon said he has somethin' special he's working on with y'all, so why don't you give me and your dad a few minutes to talk and we'll come back and find you," Rayna said as she released her tight hold on Maddie and Daphne.

As the girls followed Deacon back into the music room, she held out her hand to Teddy. "Hey, come walk with me for a minute."

* * *

Rayna and Teddy walked down to the water's edge without speaking. She sat down on the bench by the shore and patted the spot next to her.

"Set here with me for a minute," she invited.

Teddy sat down next to her and waited a moment, then turned toward her as the sun began to set across the water.

"Seems like you're doing a lot better, Rayna," he started.

Rayna nodded, her eyes still fixed on the water before her. She sighed and turned toward him. "I'm startin' to feel like I might not get back those years-the ones we spent together."

"Well, the doctor said it could take some time," Teddy offered.

Rayna smiled and shook her head, staring across the lake again. "Yeah, but I don't think I'm probably patient enough for that." She looked back at Teddy. "I can tell we had some good years and I'm really sorry that I can't remember exactly what that felt like."

Teddy took her hand in his. "We did, Ray. We raised two beautiful girls and for a while we were really happy."

"But?" she asked.

Teddy rubbed his thumb along the hand he held in his. "But it had been over for a while now. And I don't know if he told you, but you were back with Deacon. And...and it was really hard for me, Rayna. I had always just felt…"

He looked up at her, tears now forming in the corners of his eyes. "I guess I just always felt like eventually that was gonna happen, that you two would find each other again. So, thank you for loving me while you could."

Rayna leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "And thanks for loving me the very best you could, cause I know that was true. And thanks for my family. 'Cause clearly we did something right with those two.

"So, what do we do now?" she asked.

Teddy stood up, his hand still holding hers. "Well, I think first we go up and eat some of Deacon's chili, cause you may not remember it, but I do and it's great. Then, I think we all talk about what happens next, because those girls need their mother back and I think you're ready for that."

Rayna joined him standing next to the bench. "And us?"

"I think we let what we started before the accident run its course. We get our divorce. And we figure out how to do the best thing for the girls. If you need more time to get on your feet, then you do that. And if you're ready to have them home again, then we do that, too."

Rayna looked up at the warmly lit house. "And Deacon?"

Teddy turned and looked as well. "He's part of your family, Rayna, so for better or worse, he's part of mine, too."

* * *

When they walked in the house, it was warm and the smell of chili came out of the kitchen.

"We made corn bread," Daphne said as Rayna and Teddy took off their coats and set them on chair near the door.

"Awesome," Rayna replied. "I know I love corn bread."

"We also...we worked on something for you, too, Mom," Maddie said, her voice quiet.

Rayna reached out and pulled her daughter close. "Well, I'm gonna bet I love it even more than corn bread."

"Well, dinner's ready, so we're gonna have to wait on that other surprise," Deacon said as he carried the steaming pot over to the table. "Daphne, you grab that corn bread. Use the hot pads, it's still pretty warm and Maddie, can you bring that pitcher of tea?"

"He's getting pretty domestic," Teddy said as he and Rayna pulled out their chairs. "Who knew?"

Rayna and Teddy cleared up the dishes after dinner while Deacon and the girls disappeared into the bedroom.

"What's this all about?" Teddy asked.

Rayna shrugged. "Got me."

Maddie came in with her guitar and sat down on the footstool. Daphne walked in and sat near her on the couch, then Deacon came in...with a guitar in his hand.

"Oh, babe," Rayna said quietly.

Maddie began to strum softly.

_I don't remember,_  
_How I got here,  
_ _When my rose colored glasses disappeared,_

Deacon joined in.

_Sometimes my fingers,_  
_They can lose touch,  
_ _Starting letting go of everything I love_

Rayna inhaled softly as she watched Deacon's fingers carefully move over the frets, his chords complimenting Maddie's lead.

_When I get the feeling_  
_That my prayers have hit the ceiling_  
_And those are the days when my faith has lost all meaning  
_ _You keep me believing,_

Maddie's voice filled in again as Daphne added harmony.

_My fears are safe here_  
_Held in your hands_  
_When I'm broken,  
_ _You put me back together again_

Deacon looked over and smiled at the girls.

_All that I once was,_  
_All I could be,_  
_When I've forgotten,  
_ _Baby you remind me,_

Then they all joined in together once again.

_When I get the feeling,_  
_That my prayers have hit the ceiling,_  
_On those darker days,_  
_When my faith has lost all meaning,  
_ _You keep me believing._

And they had and she did. Believing in one another, in the fact that even if things were no longer the same, they would somehow find their way. Because in the end, life...it is what it is.

FIN


End file.
